New Zealand is super famous. The Hobbit was made there, they grow delicious fruit and Mark Burnett filmed Eco-Challenge there in 2001. I know that third thing because it’s what I was watching when I thought to myself, “Where the hell is New Zealand?”
So I decided to do some investigating, and you wouldn’t believe what I learned – New Zealand ain’t so far away. It’s a lot closer than I thought.
Before I tell you where it is, let me tell you how I got there. Geography is all about getting around, so don’t get lost, otherwise you won’t be able to explain to someone else how you got to where I got and then everyone will get confused. Got it?
In order to find New Zealand, I started with the obvious question – Where is old Zealand? I know where old York is, and I know where New York is. Old Jersey; New Jersey. Old Mexico; New Mexico.
Old Zealand is in Denmark of all places! Who’da thunk it!? Zealand, which you can also call Sealand, is the big-ass island part of Copenhagen is on. Copenhagen, of course, is Hans Christian Anderson’s mecca. Hans Christian Anderson is famous for writing a couple of Disney movies, and for starring in a Danny Kaye movie.
Denmark is in Northern Europe, between Germany and the Scandinavian Peninsula. They speak Danish there, and it was a popular spawning point for Viking PCs.
In the United States, Denmark is famous for tulips and windmills, because Americans are stupid and think Denmark is Holland. Holland is not in Denmark, where they speak Danish. It’s not even technically a country.
Holland is the name of the majority of the west coast of the Netherlands, where they speak Dutch. The Hague is there, and North Holland is the home of Amsterdam. That means if Hans Christian Anderson wanted to go to Amsterdam instead of Copenhagen, he would have to go down and to the left.
Amsterdam isn’t Zealand, but it’s close enough to be useful since They Might Be Giants taught me where New Amsterdam is. Or was.
New Amsterdam turned into New York. Old York is in Northern England. If you go south, you’ll eventually run into Jersey, a small island off the coast of France England uses to graze cattle. If you go south from New York, where do you end up? Red Bank, New Jersey.
So if Jersey is south of York and New Jersey is south of New York, what happens when we go right and then up when we leave New Amsterdam?
We run into New Hampshire.
There it is. New Zealand is just old people talk for New Hampshire, the same way some old people call green peppers “mangoes.” So the next time you hear someone talk about New Zealand, feel free to point out how wrong they are – New Zealand doesn’t even exist anymore.